Human Connection: An Intrinsic Pillar to a Meaningful Life
Many psychologists, philosophers, poets, and scientists have tried to figure out one of the most elusive questions that every person on this planet has asked at some point or another: what is the purpose of life? Alfred Adler suggested that we seek power, Sigmund Freud suggested that we seek pleasure, Viktor Frankl suggested that we seek meaning, and there are many other plausible suggestions. I think that all of these are essential to leading a well-rounded life, so perhaps all of them are true. I don’t think that the purpose of life can be just one concrete thing.
Humans are complex, so our existences are complex, as well. However, I think three non-negotiable pillars are needed for a meaningful, deep life. First, to find your own life’s purpose, or Dharma as the Buddhists say. For Frankl, that was helping others find their lives' meaning. Second, is service. We must give to others or give back to the world collective in some way. The third pillar is human connection. Without these three principles, we feel lost or even hopeless. With these three principles, we find health, love, and happiness. Sounds like a super fulfilling life to me, where do I sign up!?
For the purposes of this examination, let’s focus on human connection. That is the goal of Connecting the Gap Collective, after all.
In the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, Psychological Belonging is the third tier. In this tier are friendships, family, intimacy, and sense of connection. According to an article called “Connect to Thrive” by Psychology Today, human connection can not only improve your life in a mental and emotional way, it can also improve your life in a physical way. Robust human connection can lead to a 50% chance of increased life longevity. People with flourishing relationships are more empathetic, have stronger self-worth skills, are more trusting of others, and even have lower rates of anxiety and depression. Furthermore the article adds, “social connectedness therefore generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical well-being.” Prosperous human connection can not only be beneficial to you, but those around you, as well. Unfortunately, the article also examines the adverse reactions to lack of human connection, which can lead to isolation, loneliness, and distrustfulness towards others.* I fear this distrust towards others has been adding substantially to this global great divide that we are dealing with today.
Before understanding how we can better develop human connection we have to first understand what hinders it. One of the main conflicts that people deal with on a social level is differences in personalities. Sometimes we just don’t think that our personalities or morals match up. Today, we are mostly dealing with conflicts due to the latter or simply because we believe that we see the world differently. This comes from the ego and a lack of understanding for how another person lives or thinks.
Our egos give us the impression that we are better than a person when we don’t agree with them. Essentially, it puts us on our high horse, which prevents us from seeing that person on an equal level to our own. This is a very dismissive way of thinking albeit natural. We consciously have to be aware when we do this and understand that just because we don’t agree with everything this other person thinks, doesn’t mean we won’t find any similarities.
And, unfortunately in an individualistic culture like the United States, we put an emphasis on relying on ourselves and being considered independent is a celebrated trait. In fact, sometimes we are taught that expecting to rely on others is foolish or weak. This makes it even harder for us to make worthwhile connections, sometimes.
So, how do we maintain prosperous relationships? The creation of social media has made it easier than ever for us to connect with others around the globe. We can get online and with a few quick clicks we can connect with a new person everyday if that is our wish. But, with accessibility, social media has also brought shifts in how we relate to one another.
How we socialize with one another has changed, and drastically at that. If we are trying to get back into the dating game, we can use dating apps. We can “get to know” someone through messaging and texting. If we don’t like what that other person is giving off about themselves through those messages we can simply stop responding. Whereas in the past, we had to meet that person face-to-face in order to get to know them at all.
I think due to this shift we have lost our way in communicating with others in an appropriate way, which has caused millennials and younger generations to have deteriorated social skills. It was easier for our parents’ generations to socialize and communicate with others because they didn’t have any other options if they wanted to get to know others even just in a friendly manner. Does this mean that the older generations have a better grasp on interacting with people? Not necessarily, but I certainly think they have an easier time with it just due to all of the forced practice. Us younger generations have such a hard time making connections with others that some dating apps offer sister apps just for making friends. I think that is really nice, especially if you are moving to a new place and don’t know anyone there, but it also definitely says something about how poor our social skills have become and how heavily we rely on technology. It has become a crutch.
Another intensifying issue for human connection is one that you might not realize. This is due to the fast-paced, self-indulgent society that we live in. On the off chance that we do meet a person organically in a coffee shop or at a bar, there are a million things that we find more pressing in our minds. So we aren’t fully present and this takes away from a potential true connection; friendly or romantically. In order to make the most genuine connection with a new person, the only thing that we should be worried about in that moment is the person in front of you.
So, how do we cultivate and sustain meaningful connection in the digital? I have a few suggestions.
Push yourself to try new things. This is hard during a global pandemic, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Join groups at your school or in your community. You can meet people with similar interests which is a great icebreaker for both you and your new companion.
Throw a gathering and ask your friends to bring a plus-one (platonic or romantic). This way everyone can bring someone new and everyone can make a new connection. If you are hesitant to try this, make it a murder mystery themed party so everyone has a role to play which makes it a lot easier for people to interact with each other when you all have a common goal.
Find a pen pal (yes, this can be a digital pen pal, but I just find it cuter the old-fashioned-way with pen to paper). The late, fabulous Julia Child developed a very special bond with a pen pal by chance, and they became very close. They wrote to each other for many years, only meeting after a little over a decade of writing to one another.
Most importantly, put yourself out of your comfort zone and talk to people about the real stuff. The most fulfilling of relationships are the ones where you can be vulnerable and accepting with each other. By giving and receiving to another person in this way makes one understand how we all go through similar experiences; good and bad. This can make one more empathetic and understanding.
Human connection is not only essential to our own well-beings, but the well-being of those around us. We can lead by example by showing how beneficial human connection is in our own lives and by showing empathy towards others. Human connection only leads to happiness and fulfillment. It makes us better, more well-rounded individuals. This allows us to be more understanding and accepting towards people who are different from us in almost every way. It gives us a chance to try to be more considerate and patient so we can find the attributes in others that we resonate with, even when it seems like it is a very small attribute. All of these elements will further bring us together, help us to close the hefty gap between us, and help us grow into our best unified selves.
*Seppala, E., Ph.D. (2012, August 26). Connect To Thrive. Retrieved December 22, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201208/connect-thrive
