Life in Transition (Edition 1): Trying to Find Yourself during a Global Pandemic
For the past two years of my life, I have been feeling this intense feeling of confusion. Confusion mainly surrounding who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life. It’s more than just a sense of confusion, but feeling utterly bewildered with what I am supposed to do next to the point of feeling hopelessly lost some days.
I suppose this is normal, as I am about to turn twenty-five, and I’m confident many people feel a similar way who are also in their twenties. This may be because I am finally ending the chapter of childhood and moving into something new.
I just graduated from graduate school in May. Finishing my last few months of my academic career during a pandemic was less than ideal, but I tried to make the most of it. However, I noticed while the world was still normal during my two years of graduate school, during my few down moments where I wasn’t scrambling in an internship or writing a paper, that I had no clue what I was doing. I felt like I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know what would happen after I got my degree. So, I used grad school as a crutch so I wouldn’t have to really think about what I wanted for my life so intensely. I devoted my time to my studies and internships. When I wasn’t working on things for my degree, I was out with friends and learning about the benefits of ashwagandha through my health-expert roommate. I did all of these things so I didn’t have to think about what would make me feel most fulfilled out of this life.
This makes me think about how interesting it is that here in the United States we have such an individualistic culture, yet we don’t tend to give ourselves time to think about bigger questions like our life purpose. The system that we have here ensures that as long as we keep pushing forward -- getting an education that helps with your career, then getting a job, then getting your first promotion, then getting married and starting a family, then getting another promotion -- then we will be happy, eventually. But how can we ever really feel fulfillment until we set time aside to figure out what that means INDIVIDUALLY for us?
As an individual, here are a few things that I am fairly certain about myself that are relevant to this inquisition:
I am generally, fairly optimistic and see the best in people. (I like this about myself.) So, I know realistically when I really think about it that the world will recover, and I will find my specific place in it.
I am ambitious, and I have large goals for myself. However, I obsess and fixate about the future, which some days my imagination is in full bloom and I am creating a thought-out idea for a screenplay, while on other days I am so obsessed with the future that I can’t process what to do that day to work for those goals that I become paralyzed. Is this what they call self-sabotage?
I like routine and control. I like knowing how things are going to occur or work out otherwise I get incredibly uncomfortable (or anxious). For example, when I first moved to New York City, I didn’t know how to use the subway so it prevented me from visiting places far from my apartment for two weeks until I decided I had to take the subway for class. When I finally took the subway, I saw that it was, in fact, a great and affordable way of transportation. I took the subway almost everyday for the rest of the two years that I lived in NYC. It is the unknown that makes me uncomfortable.
I am a perfectionist. So, whatever life path that I figure out for myself, I need it to be the exact right one otherwise I will feel like I have disappointed myself and everyone else. Feeling like anything that you do is good enough, what’s that like?
I’m very introspective. I think about the interactions that I’ve had with people, the way that I respond to them, and why I respond in these ways. I examine most things that arise in my life and the feelings that arise. I even go as far to analyze my own thoughts and try to think about why I have the ones that I have. One might think that this is very helpful in figuring myself out, and in some ways it is very helpful! Most of the time, I can identify very easily the way I feel about things, even if I am unable to express it. On the flip side, this means that I sometimes overthink to the point of questioning if the feeling or thought that I have is valid. It can feel like a roller coaster ride in my head sometimes, I’ll tell you what! For the most part, my ability for introspection is very helpful.
So, as you can imagine, dealing with trying to find myself with a greater sense of urgency since I graduated and there being a global pandemic (as well as countless other global crises) has made me feel in a state of limbo. Some days I just want to know so badly how things are going to work out for the world, and myself.
Recently, I was reading an eye-opening book by Deepak Chopra called The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams. Although the whole book was illuminating for me and extremely helpful in teaching one new ways of trying to find one’s life purpose, one part stood out for me the most. It is called “The Law of Least Effort.” Essentially, Chopra maintains that the best path for each person is the one that makes them exert the least amount of effort. That is your true path, and will lead you to your most true fulfillment. To understand this concept more and in a much more eloquent way, I would encourage reading the book! I do feel as if it was one of the most beneficial reads of my life. This Law actually led me to writing these very words. In fact, writing the words on this page has been one of the easiest things I have done, which according to the Law of Least Effort hopefully means I am taking action in my own life purpose.
I understand that if you are reading this and thinking that the Law of Least Effort doesn’t resonate with you. This could be due to the fact that in the United States we have certain ideals of “if you work hard enough then you will succeed.” This Law essentially enforces the opposite of that sentiment. However, just because one is putting in the least amount of effort doesn’t mean that they aren’t putting in no effort at all. The effort is just a different kind and leads us to our true fulfillment, so it feels like not that much effort.
Although I feel a little bit like my life is on hold, as many people surely do, I know that I am doing what is best for me and figuring out my life path. Even if it doesn’t feel that way everyday. I know that things will work out in the way that they are supposed to even if it feels like I can’t control anything in my life or the world right now. I know these things because I am actively working on myself so one day I can find my purpose and reach that fulfillment. All I need to do is follow my bliss, whatever that may be. The uncertainty is infuriating and exciting all at once.
