Life in Transition (Edition 2): Letting Go of Identifiers that Hold Us Back
We have qualities in all of us that we like and dislike. Some of these qualities we both cherish and hold disdain for depending on our outlook in the moment. As humans, there is no way for us to be perfect. There is no way for any one person to have only qualities that society deems to be positive. It just isn’t possible. However, sometimes we gain identifiers both given to us by others and self-given that keep us from doing everyday things like going for a two-mile run or even achieving our goals. They hold us back because we have convinced ourselves that we are a certain type of person who just isn’t capable of certain things. In reality, these are just stories that we tell ourselves and we are capable of anything.
As we grow up, we have certain experiences that shape us more than others; for better or for worse. Some of these experiences may shape us in a good way, like if you play the piano in a talent show and you receive lots of compliments afterwards from your peers. You might leave this experience thinking that playing the piano is one of your talents and it might push you to practice more to become a better musician. Unfortunately, it is the negative experiences that we have that seem to stick with us. You might want to join the dance team at school and fall doing a turn at the try-outs. People may have even laughed at you when you fell. After this experience, you may have thought subconsciously or consciously that you can’t dance, and begin to identify with this.
I know for me, I have a few identifiers that I need to let go of in order to not only live to my best potential, but to just be less hard on myself. I will give two examples of these negative identifiers, both of which were given to me by peers that strictly hold me back. Then, I will discuss the techniques that have helped me in letting them go. Spoiler alert: the techniques are much simpler than you think.
Growing up, I remember being a very social child. I’ve always had friends, sometimes many of them, but I remember as I got older, I had trouble when it came to social situations when there were lots of people present who I wasn’t close with. I was always overly aware in these situations. I wanted to appear a certain way. In middle school I wanted to appear funny. Then, into high school I wanted to appear intelligent and witty. I would curate what I wanted to say; whereas I noticed my peers would just say whatever came to their minds. I was jealous of this: that they could be so free in the way they expressed themselves. As I was already aware that I didn’t speak up as much as other people in these situations, it was hard after parties when a good friend of mine would chastise me on being so quiet. So after these occasions, I started thinking of myself as quiet and thinking this was a negative trait. Being quiet is not a negative trait on its own, I was just taught through my peers and environment that it was. On top of that, being quiet is not really considered a positive trait in American society.
Another, less psychological negative identifier that I gained in high school was that I am unathletic. One of my best friends participated in school sports, and was one of the best on their team. I was mostly a theater kid. Occasionally, they would tease me that I wouldn’t work out because it just wasn’t a priority for me. I mean, I get it, physical activity was a big part of their life so it’s kind of easy to understand that they might have found it confusing that it wasn’t even a little bit of mine. So, I can kind of see where they were coming from when it came to this avenue of ridicule (it doesn’t excuse it, of course).
As I’ve grown into the strong woman that I am today, I think about these identifiers less and less. Possibly because they are just less relevant, but more likely because I have tried hard to not identify with being quiet or unathletic. Not recently due to the pandemic, but before I would go to parties with strangers and notice that I was talking as much as everybody else. Sometimes I would talk more due to some forcing myself to, but I’m just not this “quiet” person I thought I was. But, more often than not I would surprise myself that with no effort on my part, I was just as social as I remember myself being as a child. Oh, and I work out almost everyday. I got a membership at an OrangeTheory Fitness a little over a year ago and surprised myself by really enjoying the workouts. I even went on my birthday last year because taking one of the classes is how I wanted to spend part of my special day. I’m frustrated that I didn’t get out of my comfort zone earlier to join a gym. I’m pretty sad that I haven’t been able to go to one of their classes in months because of the pandemic, but for now home workouts will just have to suffice.
I know, these may seem like less intense negative identifiers. To some extent, they are. They only held me back in what seemed like little ways. However, having the identifier of quiet sometimes kept me from going to events where I knew that I wasn’t going to know a lot of people there. More likely than not, it prevented me from meeting new, cool people. Thinking about that in retrospect makes me pretty frustrated that I had that certain perception of myself for so long. The unathletic identifier affected me a bit less mentally, but as exercise has become such a large part of my life now, I only wish I could have let that one go sooner. Not only do I find working out to be fun, but it helps relieve my anxiety. So, I just wish I could have released that identifier sooner, all around.
How have I been able to let go of these negative identifiers you may be asking yourself? Here are some techniques that I’ve used to get away from identifiers that don’t serve me in a positive way:
Putting myself into uncomfortable situations that oppose these identifiers or make me face them head on in order to really see if they are true. Like I said, I got a membership at a gym that I previously thought was intimidating. I realized pretty quickly that what I had been telling myself for years just wasn’t accurate.
Try to think of yourself in a more objective, realistic way. Or even ask someone you are close to how they view you (preferably someone with a neutral stance). Ask them if they have identified you with a certain negative identifier that you have for yourself. More likely than not, they will tell you that they never considered you to have that identifier before that conversation.
Most importantly, start telling yourself the truth about the identifier that you want to release: that it is just a story you have told yourself and have come to believe. Once you believe that it is just a story, and truly nothing more, then it becomes much easier for you to release this identifier.
I am partially writing this because I want to overcome some more energy-draining identifiers in my life which takes more time and will power to transform. I want to be more bold and do things that scare me. I have told myself in the past that I have to force myself to be confident and express myself. In reality, I know that I am a confident person (perhaps even overly so) because I have had experiences where I was downright bold, and it felt very natural in those moments. So, I am right here with you, trying to let go of identifiers that don’t serve me. And, if you have any suggestions on how to let go of them PLEASE share them.
Of course, with any mentality that you have grown comfortable with, it is hard to adopt another mindset. However, it becomes a whole lot easier when you realize that the identifier does not serve you and only has a negative impact on your life. Once you release these negative perceptions of yourself, you can have more energy for other things that can have some real benefit on your life. Shifting your mentality is only the beginning in your journey of living to your highest potential.
